Got up at 4:00am this morning on purpose. Dad told me about the large tumor on his kidney on Saturday when Chris and I brought the kids over.
It’s been heavily on my mind since. At first I felt ok with it all, when Dad told us about it. But later that day, it really started to hit me. All of the feelings, emotions, fears etc.
It lead to an argument between me and Jodie subtly on Sat which then came to a head Sunday morning. But that lead to a discussion that helped me open up and understand what I was feeling at least a little bit and helped her to understand where I was mentally.
So I partially wanted to get up early today because I needed to meditate/pray. But of course, when I woke up, I immediately opened the Mac.
Fortunately it didn’t turn on. I had to push the power button even though it was fully charged because Jodie was using it last night and it ran out of power. It takes a minute or so to fully power up after it shuts down from loss of power.
So I went to turn the light on.
When I flipped the switch to put the room light on, the light bulb blew out. I laughed. Life always seems to bust my balls when I’m focused on getting “so much” done!
So I went and grabbed the light in the living room and plugged it in the back room. I tried to turn it on….it didn’t work.
WTF?! It worked last night! I tried plugging it in multiple times and flipping the switch on and off because there’s no way this damn thing is out too!
Then it sunk in.
Oh ok, the universe is sending me a strong signal here. But it’s actually a little scary because I don’t really WANT to sit in the dark! But it feels like it wants me to????
Then I realized “Tim, you know you will just start working if you turn the light on. But what you really need is to sit and meditate/pray. That’s what you need to do.”
I didn’t hear a voice or anything, that’s just the thought that came to mind. Damn myself knows me so well!
So then I grabbed the other light in the living room and of course made sure it worked. I wanted to test the universe!
But it had already gotten its point across. So I went in the back room and plugged the light in but left it off this time. Then I sat and meditated/prayed.
What quickly came to me is that we all (our whole immediate family) has to be more open and let things out. I have been holding in fears and other feelings since Dad told me the news. I need to let them out. Directly to him, Mom, Chris…whoever.
What is so scary for me I think or what I’m so worried about is that Dad knows something and he’s not telling us. He’s painting a rosy picture. He’s very convincing.
But I am afraid. I need to know the whole truth because then I can deal with it.
I am afraid because I feel like I might lose him sooner than I expect and there will be things left un-said and un-done.
I don’t even know specifically what all those things are. I just fear not having a chance to tell him something. I fear missing moments that I could have spent with him or the girls could have spent with him.
The other side of all this is that I feel like I could let much of my life get un-balanced. Like tilting so much of my time, thoughts, energy to Dad that I neglect the girls.
Just on Sunday, I had this thought while I was watching Lily. I was in the kitchen (I think making coffee) and she was in the back room. Leah and Jodie were upstairs getting ready.
I kept thinking about Dad but then realized, I can’t let this take all of my attention. I am still responsible for these sweet little girls – to watch them, protect them, be there with and for them.
Then I looked at Lily and I noticed she just put something in her mouth. I came back and pulled one of Leah’s My Little Pony shoes from her mouth – a HUGE choking hazard!
She looked at me and smiled like “hey Dad I was checking to make sure you were paying attention.”
I mean seriously! There probably couldn’t have been a bigger choking hazard in the entire house and that’s what she found and decided to put in her mouth.
So – again – it really felt like the universe was speaking to me…loudly.
It’s kind of incredible actually – a bit scary but also comforting in a way because it is so damn obvious that even in my overly-worried state I am picking up on it.
I guess that’s how it works? Thankful that it does if that’s the case.
Alrighty, so it’s 5:03am and I do want to get some work done to clear my head a bit. A lot going on with TNT – good stuff but a lot none the less.
Oh and there was a thought that came to me this morning that I wanted to jot down….
- It’s the holding back that is so draining. It’s the resistance that wears us down. The things we hold back need to be dealt with. Like a dirty cut that needs to be cleaned out and bandaged. If we just slap a bandage over it, it will fester and grow worse each and every day. Until we face it head on, it will continue to get worse. When we face it head on, we can clean it and allow it to heal.
I can’t say this is my own wisdom. This comes from Suchitra really – not her exact words but something she said to me yesterday when we talked about Dad’s cancer – prostate and now Kidney. It’s a result of holding things in. It can be cut out, but will move to a new place unless we deal with it. The emotional eventually manifests itself in the physical.